Sometimes there's seasons where I'm grinding through so much, I can't write it all down quick enough. And when I do find time to get something on paper or in this blog, it doesn't quite make sense.
At least not yet.
So that's where I'm sitting at the moment. In my apartment, windows open, babe asleep and dish washer running, and waiting. I'm waiting for it to make sense.
There's so much to celebrate right now and yet my mind keep gravitating towards the fear. Fear of what could be's or what should be's.
Will I ever get a hold of fear?
Will I ever be able to hold it in my fists, look it in the eye and have the last word?
Is it always elusive or can it be conquered to the point of dissipation?
Maybe this is why my friend Paul from the first century Church said,
"This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, [fearful], grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children." (Romans 8:15 MSG)
Maybe, just maybe in these moments of this life, the existence of fear is my reality because I cannot see the entire storyline. If I could, I'd have no need for fear.
Maybe, I have the question wrong.
Maybe it isn't, "When will fear cease," but rather, "How deep does my trust go for the One who conquers it?"
This is tough stuff.
It makes our T-shirt Christianity feel a little flimsy at times, eh? You know you wore them too: WWJD (what would Jesus do?), FROG (fully rely on God), LGLG (Let go, Let God).
Fear may nag us in every season, but at the end of the day, we can rest in this:
He who began in a good work in you (and me) will be faithful to see it to full completion.
And if we hold fast to God, as a child clings to her Father, our race will not be in vain.
There is nothing, no man or woman, no circumstance or trial, no sin or amount of shame that can keep the love of God from enveloping us. Forever.
Faith. Hope. Love, and the greatest of these is love.
Fear will always lose to love.
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"We’ve been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies! The Spirit of God whets our appetite by giving us a taste of what’s ahead. He puts a little of heaven in our hearts so that we’ll never settle for less." 2 Corinthians 5