There's a pain that comes with miscarriage that is truly unexplainable to anyone who hasn't experienced it. And even to women who have, there are rarely words, just nods of understanding and tears of familiarity.
Tyson and I had the privilege of sharing our story with our church recently and I think we were both surprised at how much we still felt. A friend and co-worker put together the video and did an INCREDIBLE job showing the redemption we have in our two babes. Seriously, I bought him a "thank you" beer because no one has told our story the beautiful way he did.
After I got off stage the second service, I had this convo with my BFF who was watching from Cali:
It's a rough tension to know something is turning out for good, when you would do anything to trade the good for those babies. But if I learned anything through the pain it's this:
Don't be afraid to be honest and feel it all.
The overwhelming heaviness in the every day tasks.
The insatiable ache that sits in your stomach every single morning.
The tears that come at untimely and embarrassing moments.
The anger and doubt towards a sovereign and faithful God. #Hecanhandleit
But, don't reject the snippets of joy either. They will weave in and around your world as unpredictably as the sorrow. Don't push it away. Embrace it. They are your evidences of grace. They will be your life-lines through this terribly dark tunnel.
There is another side. It doesn't feel that way now, but there is. Hold on, hunker down, and ask God to show Himself.
Nothing is wasted. Ever.
"Though he slay me, I will hope in Him, yet I will argue my ways to his face. This will be my salvation, that the godless shall not come before him." Job 13:15
I love this.
Job points out, God sees and I'm confused as to the WHY behind all of this, yet my hope is that I CAN APPROACH HIM about it because I know He loves me and I love Him.
If you are a follower of Jesus, have entrusted and surrendered your life to Him, you can approach Him BOLDLY, as a royal daughter or son to a King. You have dibs. You are ushered right up to His presence.
And you can talk to Him. About everything. He is not afraid of your anger, your hurt, your longings or desires. He's not intimidated by your questions or doubt.
When you're honest, He will meet you there.
You are not alone. I know it feels like it, but you're not.