January 2015, I decided this year would be my year for "Decisions."
I wanted to make wise, thought through, calculated and healthy decisions about my life, dreams, family and marriage.
I thought that by
to make my decisions this way, I could control the pace at which the situations that called for some decision making came.
Did I lose you yet?
I wanted to be in charge of my life again. I wanted to dictate how fast or slow it would go, depending on the speed of the day or week or month and how my family and I were grooving.
I wanted to, in my mind,
finally be an adult
about the mature decisions I made.
But after 357 days of toiling to form a routine, a process, a grown up adult plan for my life, I've discovered yet another one of life's dirty little secrets:
The adult decision process is exactly the same as a child's.
The only thing that changes is the scenario, setting, weight and complexity surrounding the decision.
My two year old and I make decisions the exact same way!
She wants something. She fights for it.
Someone or something warns her it's not good for her. She then gets to decide if she will disregard warning for the sake of momentary satisfaction. Or she gets to decide if she will heed warning and avoid certain heartache. I want something. I fight for it.
I then get to decide if I will disregard warning for the sake of momentary satisfaction.
Or I get to decide if I will heed warning and avoid certain heartache.
The only difference is that her decision involves things like a box of cookies or jumping on and off the couch and mine involves situations like whether I'm going to work or stay home after Baby Mo 2 is born. (Ok, sometimes mine involves cookies too.)
Most of us don't blatantly choose the wrong thing. Sometimes we do, but most of the time we want to do what's right, we just don't know what exactly that is. Thus, my lesson for the year:
“All the ways of a man are clean in his own sight, but the Lord weighs the motives.” | Proverbs 16:2
Only God can set my feet on the road to wisdom. He sees my heart, He knows my kryptonite and my strengths. He knows what He's fashioning me for and what I need to let go of.
He knows. And I've found myself laughing because of how little I included Him in my decision making process!
It would KILL ME, if I knew Symphony was up against a big decision, like whether she should poop in her pants or in the toilet, and she felt she didn't have permission to ask before making the wrong decision.
I want her to know she can come to me with any question and I will help her see what she should do.
And I'm not even God! Just a mama that loves her more than anything. Just think of how silly it is that God views us in that same vein, times 1,000,000 and yet going to Him first isn't yet in our routine.
I would make decisions and then ask Him,"Did I do that right?" Instead of inquiring before hand and allowing Him to lead me from the beginning. And it's not this super spiritual "Jesus please send me a note or an angel to tell me what to do."
It's more like, "Hey, I am seeking You. I need help. I don't know what to do and I need you to give me a peace or discomfort if I'm making the right or wrong decision."
"But God is my helper. The Lord keeps me alive!" | Psalm 54:4
So 2016, come what may. The crazy, the hustle, the sacrifice, the hidden and the boxes of diapers.
I am not afraid because, yes it took me 300+ days to figure this thing out, but from this point on, most of my decisions won't be made in vain or strife or confusion.
I am seeking God first, on everything.
End of the Year Reading in case you're bored